David Arrell's Blueprint for First-Time Dads: Embrace the Journey of Fatherhood
Show Notes:
[2:00] Our Reviewer of the Week, FrankiesFrolics, "Very informative and something for every mama. Lots of content given on various subjects within birthing. Non-bias and give both sides to certain scenarios to help you make decisions that suite you and the birthing needs best. Great Listen!"
[2:42] Our guest this week is David Arrell, an Executive Coach, Consultant, and the Author of Welcome To Fatherhood, which is passion project for supporting today’s Fathers as they strive to balance their higher aspirations of genuine self expression with those of parenting and partnership. David’s Coaching programs encourage the development of deeper personal authenticity while also building stronger relationships, helping his clients thrive in today’s complex landscape of overlapping career, partnership, and parenting challenges. His Welcome To Fatherhood work is specifically designed to help new and expectant Dads better connect with their partners and better prepare for what’s coming next at each stage of the pregnancy to parenthood journey.
He currently lives in Alabama with his wife, Jennifer, 2 young children, Justin & Dottie, and their Chocolate Lab, Johnny Biscuits.
[3:37] How can dads be involved in the pregnancy process? "There's a lot of appreciation that I try to bring to the conversation for helping dads understand that they are on a separate journey. They're not pregnant. Their partner is, but just because they're on a separate journey doesn't mean that they're not on a journey. And so that's where your driver's seat metaphor I think is so apt. I really want to encourage dads to take ownership of their journey and not just view their participation as happening once baby gets here. And then there's a lot we can unpack in that. But I definitely want to just sort of really sync up with your approach to getting dads in the driver's seat of their journey of their experience and looking to really embody and inhabit that driver's seat. It's an active process, not just a passive process."
[6:28] How can dads feel supporting and supported on the journey? "I think that so many of the dads in the expectant side of the equation were told to be you know 'helpful and supportive,' and I kind of joke a lot about that phrase because for a lot of us guys it just does like 'Right, like that's why I'm standing here. I want to be helpful and supportive. But what does that mean? What does that look like?'
It's very specific things like making sure you're being active and signing up for a birth class together with your partner or if you're looking at hiring a doula, hire a doula. And so I try to give them very specific things to do. Own the gift registry as you're tracking these presents that are coming in. These are things you can do to be an active participant in your. Pregnancy is yours to use. This is your child coming along but also there's the appreciation of your partner's journey and really connecting with her in a way that she feels like you're in this together. She feels that you're are you still need to be on your own journey and be aware that you're not gonna have the same exact appreciation showing up with that anticipation that excitement using that 'we' language of our baby."
[8:49] What is Dad's role in a birth course? "So there is some good learning to happen from medical technical standpoint. That's a bridge you can build across your separate journeys from their pregnant partner, speaking to the women's side and for us guys. That birth class is a connecting buttress on that bridge of what your relationship looks like heading forward into parenting, and it also reinforces the fact that we're both here together on this journey as parents and a from a bonding connective shared experience shared appreciation and shared learning standpoint, it's invaluable, much more valuable in my opinion than the birth class.
You mentioned your husband was a little bit reluctant about hiring a doula. I too was reluctant the first go around. I wasn't so much concerned about being replaced because I really didn't know what I was going to be doing besides like rubbing Jen's head or holding her hand. But I don't know what they do? They don't do the medical. So what do they do as if it was that or nothing, you know, and what I learned and what was so valuable to me as a dad going through labor, which is can be kind of scary when our partner is screaming, sweating, and struggling and hours going by like, 'What do we do here?' Having that doula for me was invaluable for both my son's birth and my daughter's birth. Having somebody there as my wingman that can kind of help me better connect with my partner. And help me by saying, 'David, go get a cup of coffee. I'll hang out here. I got it. You can go get this. You can go to that.'"
15:52 - Tell us a little bit about the struggles that men see: that emotional journey during fatherhood or becoming a father and what they can do to work through those emotions and who can they reach out to for help. "I would say the emotional aspect of the journey, I think, is really indicative of the enormous opportunity and life transforming experience that fatherhood is hence the name of my work, Welcome to Fatherhood. This is a new reality. This isn't a additive experiencing of like, 'Oh, it's just me and my partner now plus baby. That's not the case. It's a total transformation of experience, and I think where guys struggle is that they don't understand they're in a transformational experience. They think they're an additive experience. It's like I want to keep doing all the same things or I'm going to keep trying to make the rest of my old life work in my new life as a parent. I would like to invite the guys out there to do is to look at this as an opportunity to really grow personally and invest in your own, what I call your 'sacred individuality.' What's really you, what's the core you, what are the things that you really want to bring forth into Fatherhood that are important to you, that are a deeper part of your being, but then also how can you address and embrace the opportunity in relationship to really bounce forward and rebuild or build a new the relationship with your partner as parents because she's going to be a different person, you're a different person, so that's the no bouncing back or only bouncing forward mindset."
[21:49] How can Dads communicate with Mom? "There's a way to connect in an approach that's much more sympathetic and empathetic that will serve you as a father for your baby, who's not going to be able to use their words to tell you what's going on. You're going to have a lot of experiences there coming up too. This is a good chance to kind of lean into that softer side. The more intuitive, empathetic, appreciative side, that's going to be so much more helpful and a part of your relationship bouncing forward into fatherhood and with your partner when she becomes a mother."
[30:29] What are some things that Dad worries about? "Everything is harder once baby gets here, including difficult conversations about how you're feeling. I love the idea I often recommend when I catch guys on the pregnancy side is to start viewing the things that you and your partner do together that really is part of your bonding as a relationship. For my wife and I was going out to eat food. Identify those things that really are a a heartfelt space that you both enjoy doing together and has become some of the deeper structures of your relationship and then imagine how you can continue to do this."
[37:25] What are your top 3 tips for Dad?
"#1: I would encourage Dad's to step into and take ownership over your experience, your reality, your opportunity, your life, and really look at how you can show up as a leader in the relationship. What I mean by being a leader in the relationship is understand that you're expected to be contributing from an agency point of view, ideas, activities, actions. You need to be a leader in the relationship as much as your partner is.
#2: Really invest and take time to be curious with yourself, what are your true higher aspirations for fatherhood? What do your personal growth goals look like? The best time to be thinking about what how you want to show up, how you want to be in the world as a father, is yesterday and the second best time is today. Don't wait till baby gets here like so many of us guys tend to default into. It's not going to be easier, man. What does it really mean to be a parent and a father?
#3: Try to appreciate the depth of the transformational journey your partner's going on. For mothers, every day, is a new experience. Feeling the kicks, feeling the little flutters, noticing the way your body is changing, or your food preferences and your smells. These are powerfully transforming her. You are becoming a different being as you're growing. I'm speaking to the moms here. And for the guys, really take time to lean into and appreciate the contours of that experience, but also the depth of significance of what does it mean for your partner to be on this journey of becoming a mother. Show up with genuine curiosity. Ask questions like:
- What does becoming a mother mean to you?
- What are you really excited about?
- What are you looking forward to for next week or next month?
Make time to sit down with your partner. Sit down with you partner and check out the apps that tell you what's happening with baby week to week. Treat it with the proper degree of excitement respected appreciation and connecting opportunity. It gives you some easy prompts and conversation starters rather than you just having to say 'How so how you feeling today?'"
[43:08] Where to find David:
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